Soliloquy

My heart is aching
It wants to fucking burst
leave trails and droplets
of the beauty i see
All around me in everything
I wish i could tear myself open
nursing failed wounds
and callous hands
But roots are to be forgiven
here in the dust storms of forgotten dreams
Planting seeds, and
surrounding all things like
A lover sees
When stroking the cheek of that
One
True
Feeling
Like a beating wing, but
Drowned
in the halos of unforseen imaginings


I
am
weak
here
in this limitless
floating
vestal Orbit
Wild and untainted
in sights and visions
ages of future memories
And i weave,
long and unbent
my Fingers crawling
ever crawling
drawing designs in the fabirc of what we think is Time
I am alive
Survived
hypocrisy and the lies
the hiding of Truth
and stifling the
one most loving gift
of them all,
that frail spark of
Humanity
lying within the Stardust
swirling between my eyes


And i,
I
Am
Just
Me,
Let
Me
Be
Alone
Here
in this soliloquy

+Lj

Once

We floated away, once,
bellies down, drowning in dreams
You used to wake at 3 am
wild-eyed and aware
Now it’s empty here,
and I’m alone
watching the shadows
slide across the ceiling
Spilling secrets
and pieces of eternity
Reminding me
of how fleeting
fickle hearts can be

+Lj

Love Was an Old Brick Road

Once we carried wishes in our mouths, our bleeding hearts choked up on poetry and whiskey, the nostalgia of childhood dreams.

When romance was the ocean calling us down to the shore, we ran in rhythm to the pulse of the waves, and stripped down beyond our naked vulnerability, plunged ourselves deep into the indigo of what we thought we’d have.

When love was an old brick road, we danced in rhythm to the beat of the setting sun, kissed his feet goodnight and worshipped the moon as she rose.

Love was an old brick road, but somewhere along that path our travel plans unraveled, and I ended up walking alone.

+LJ

High Tide

My spirit called out from inside, told me the meaning of life, demanded geometry. So I slid into the waters of those rising tides and let the currents of myth carry me out into the deep.

I let myself sink into the blue, hoped to find answers to every unsung question making melodies in my brain. I landed among the thorns, crustacean symphonies waking the eternity within human bones. I wanted to carve out a place for my heart, a coral edifice teeming with life and eggs and memories, I wanted to find that place of solitude hiding within sea caves and crashing waves, but I couldn’t find my breath. I drowned then, inhaled the salt and spray of mineral absolution, and I left my body on the beach for the seabirds to mull over.

I remained my Self though, a wild creature of sand and seaweed, a creature of Life as it sits, no real dogma, no real time. I remained myself, and I learned to live.

+Lj

Control

There are moments so deep and so real and so full of light i cant imagine ever being sad or hurt. Moments when i can see the trivial nature of fleeting emotion.

There are moments when all i want is to show you that i can still remain strong and logical and in control of myself.

Control.

It is a sickeningly sweet lie that covers me in its false comfort. Tells me that i did. I finally found someone who could love me. Who can look at me and say with certainty,

“You are not too much for me. You are not a burden. You are everything.”

Someone who can listen to understand and learn all the things about me that i have thus far failed to learn myself.

Someone who can be gentle, someone with the ability to hold me even in the darkness when i cant see the brightness of the stars in his eyes but who reassures me they are there.

Control is a lie i tell myself, that i will not fall too deep into you, that i will not lose myself, that i wont place all the gunpowder of my fragile heart inside your outstretched hands.

Hands that made me feel so secure and safe. Hands that the other halves of my broken mind visualize as hands that can hurt me.

Control is the lie i tell myself to hide the projections i place on others. On you. To hide the way i want to hurt because i am hurting.

Its a lie i tell myself that i will be bigger than my sensitivity. Sensitivity that i feel like just gives a bad rap to my superhuman ability to feel everything.

And everything i feel in you is a reflection of me, and if i feel me is ugly, then many of the facets of those reflections will show me rage and degradation and carelessness.

Control is a lie i tell myself to build a dream i can believe in. A way out, a way to survive and thrive and teach my daughter i am more than what i can give in these shifting moments.

Control is a beautiful and wistful longing that i have to develop into a sentient being inside my aching bones. Aching from the despair of wanting to be heard and understood but most likely from a vitamin deficiency because i cant really ever eat that much.

And nothing ever tastes good, it feels too heavy inside my hollow belly, and i cannot control that. I cannot control the way callous words wound me so deeply and i cannot control that when i found love in you, all i wanted to do was carve out a safe haven for myself and my dying soul inside your rib cage and sleep there curled up in the warmth of your laughter and the unparalleled rhythm of your breathing. The smell of you is a reminder to me that i will never have control.

Control is the lie i gift myself when i feel like my world is shattering apart and i have nothing left to give. Its the lie i feed my mind to overcompensate for the feeling of not being good enough for anyone, and sometimes of saying too much.

Its the lie i tell those around me, feigning stability when it feels like quicksand beneath my feet and i just want to surrender to the sinking gravity of my despair.

Control is what i wish i had when i first met you. That ability to control the flow of information. The ability to control the effects of the burning static i always feel at the sound of your voice. And the way you make me feel alive.

Control is the lie ive taught myself to believe in to give you the room to decide if you really want me as your burden.

+Lj